Luca got his shots yesterday. Our pediatrician doesn’t combo shot (after talking with him I’m so glad he’s my sons doctor, his reasons were perfect) and so little man got five jabs and an oral. Mommy was a nervous wreck…as could be expected. The appointment began like any other: a height check, a weigh in, a head circumference check, and a temperature reading. Little man has gone from 6lbs6oz at birth to 11lbs4oz, and from 19 &1/2 inches long to 22! My little bub is growing wonderfully, even if his height is taking after daddy slightly haha.
The doctor then checked him over and gave us a perfect bill of health, upped his Zantac, and once again reassured this frazzled first time mom that she’s doing an excellent job. Thanks doc, cause honestly I question myself a million times a day. I then got to hold my baby again and as he walked out he told me he’d be back in a moment for the big pokes. Ah. Two seconds later his nurse walks in with a tray containing five needles (queue faint here) and one oral medication. “Can mom put little Luca on the table please?” Okay sir, I mean I guess I can place my child into your hands as you hold a tray of needles you will soon be jabbing into his little thighs. And so, as I was instructed, I placed little man on the table, undressed him, and was then told to hold one arm which of course I did. We placed the pacifier into min oblivious child’s mouth and then went on jab. He jerked and then began the scream. Nicely enough this scream only lasted less than a minute, of course enough time for him to get one more into that thigh, and then he calmed and sucked on his pacifier. He was good, content , and ready to leave. Poor boy still had three more on the other leg. As I took hold of the other arm I kissed his sweet forehead and reminded myself because he honestly would never remember this, that I was doing his for his well being. One, two, three, and screams. Two seconds after the last jab he calmed enough to once again realize he had his pacifier and to begin sucking on it. All done? No, because then came the oral. He took the oral like a champ and sucked it down with no further tears.
As we walked out, Luca calmed quickly and drifted off to sleep. He went into his car seat with no issue and slept for another half an hour before I once again questioned my mothering technique and decisions. After this miniature nap he slept on and off for three more hours but then my baby was miserable. On and off crying, didn’t want to feed, didn’t want his pacifier. Mommy rocked, walked around, took him for some fresh air, he wasn’t having it. Finally we laid together, tummy to tummy and just rocked with music till he calmed. He napped once more for an hour waking on and off to cry, as if the memory of his morning kept haunting him whenever his eyes opened.
I had to leave after this hour to study, school once again making me feel a guilt I’d never known till I became a mother. During this time he stayed with his grandmother and he was still just as fussy as he’d been throughout the day. I was constantly checking my phone, worrying that he wasn’t okay, and of course hating myself for needing to study and not being with my son at this time. When I came home he was falling asleep so I rocked him, letting my mother take a rest, then put him in his rock n play for continuous movement. Side note here: Fisher Price is literally a godsend because this rock n play has saved my behind on more than one ocassion. Whether it be during his slight colic phase, giving us an incline option for his relfux, or just soothing my severely fussy little man, it has been pure magic at calming him down. Best purchase we have ever made and I will suggest or buy this for any new mother I know. NOW…back to the story. Little man slept in the rock n play for roughly two or three hours and awoke refreshed and back to being “normal.” He ate, he cooed, he laughed, and he pulled his mommys hair and lips till he giggled some more. We took a nice soak in some calming bubbles, and then we slept from 10-6 and gave mommy and anxiety attack….but I guess that’s a story for another day.
I don’t think I’ll ever not feel guilty for having to focus on school partially while being a mother to this gorgeous boy. I don’t think I’ll ever not be hard on myself even if I’m doing this for HIM and for his well being. I had him young, and though this is consequence for this choice, I know that he’ll appreciate it when he’s older. He’s loved, hes healthy, and he’s happy. I give him my all and somehow even if I don’t think that’s enough, I’m still the one who he cries for cuddles with, or smiles at in the morning. I’m his mommy, and maybe I have some extra steps in life for being so, but I wouldn’t change anything if I was ever given the chance.