New Changes

It has been quite a while since I’ve take the time to write, and to be quite honest I have missed it immensely.

The last tie I can remeber sitting down and writing, I had been learning how to be a mother while still fighting tokeep the identity I had lost when my son was born. It was the hardest adjustment- to learn how to be the same human being physically, but a completely new person mentally. This new person was a mother with a rather large undertaking of raising another human being to be a kind, compassionate, and successful person. This new person no longer had to abilities to get up and leave the house without planning extensively, or going out with friends at the drop of a hat. This new person was also so heavily in denial that she had postpartum depression, that though she loved her baby there were days where she was filled with such regret she felt so ashamed, or that some days she just wanted to run away. This new person fought hard to overcome the social stigma of young moms- the doubting, the stereotypes, the “well you did this to yourself..” way of thinking, but if we are being quite honest, this new person fought the most with herself. She fought the self-doubt, the self-shaming, the voice inside of her head telling her she could not do this. This new person had to relearn to love herself in ways she would have never thought she would have to have learned at such a young age. It took every ounce of fight to admit that she did not enjoy the first year of her child’s life as much as she wished she had, that his constant crying from pain doctors could not pinpoint, or his constant night wakings that sometimes racked to upwards of 10 times a night- all of this she had to fight to admit so that she could get better and be the mom that little boy deserved. And in the end that new person was not so new, in fact that new person was quite old.

Since we last left you we have also grown as a family. In December we added our new little bundle- a little boy named Oliver, and since he has became another light in my otherwise dim world. Oliver allowed my heart to grow in ways I could never fathom. This little boy has shown me how I can enjoy motherhood, and has not only shown me how strong I can be as a mother, but has also allowed me to give myself a second chance at being one that is allowed to be happy. He has sewn the wounds I gave to myself and has repaired the relationship I felt so strained between myself and my oldest baby. His birth came at a perfect time and these two little me complete my life in ways I do not think I could ever truly deserve, but boy do I feel completely blessed.
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On this blog I will continue to write about our family, our adventures, and I will update soon on my school & career plans. For those still with us we thank you, and for those who will join us, welcome.

I want to leave my mommas with this:

Remember that no matter the way in which we choose to parent, the struggles we may face, we are always enough for the precious babies that we have brought into this world. Our children love us the most fervently, no matter the faults we may have.

Update

We took a small break.

I needed to get things in my own life under control before I threw myself back in blogging. I needed to get myself over a horrible self-hating period to be able to enter the world of vlogging. I needed to embrace my family and watch my no longer tiny bundle grow into a consistently mobile little stinker.

During this break we:

Watched Luca grow! Now at almost 10 months old, he’s over 20lbs, 29 inches long, and is constantly on the move. He learned to crawl about two months ago and has not stopped since the moment he could figure out how to move himself out of a spot. Now we are trying to walk and I just don’t think I’m ready for that. It doesn’t even seem like he was born so long ago, let alone that we are trying to plan what to do for his first birthday.

We took Luca on his first airplane ride. As a family we ventured to Arizona from New York (roughly a 5-6 hour flight total). We had a little layover in Chicago, but overall he did phenomenal. He slept for both rides on the way there and then for most of the first plane, and the entire second plane, on the way back home. Everyone loved him on his adventure. We were constantly complimented on how well he behaved, and of course my loving little boy flirted with ever single woman he came into contact with. Oh my future.

Luca also survived his first road trip. While in Arizona we made an impromptu trip to California. I have never been so in love with a state in my life, and if given the chance I would move to California in a heartbeat. The oceans were stunning and the people were so relaxed- I could most definitely see our future somewhere along the west coast. The car ride for the most part was okay. He napped here and there but he is still a baby so he did get a tad bit tired of sitting in that darn carseat. When you take a baby on a road trip just know that the 4 hour estimated time of arrival doesn’t include the multitude of stops you will make to take them out, and of course when traveling with a man who has a tiny bladder, pee stops- they are frequent 😉

In the last few months I think Anthony and I learned a lot as a couple. We didn’t give ourselves a break much when we first brought Luca home from the hospital. We threw ourselves into parenting that we forgot about each other and that our lives don’t have to be 100% consumed by our child 100% of the time. We still have a long way to go, but I believe we are on a much better track now than we were when little dude first came home. All great things in life require hardships and effort, and if both are willing to put it in then it will work.

As for our future.

I’m beginning 2018 with the intention of removing most of the negativity I brought with me in 2017. I want toxicity to be as minimal as possible in any shape or form. People who I believe are not worth the stress, and who pretense themselves under a title just to be able to give abuse and negativity no longer deserve a spot in my heart. People who do not show the same amount of care and love that we do no longer deserve my effort. My goal is to live for MY family. Anthony, Luca, and myself. My goal is to embrace the now and begin to see the positive so the negative doesn’t allow me to miss anymore.

I also want to end this year finally reaching a weight that I feel comfortable at. Since I gave birth to my son I have gone through an awful time of hating myself. My body, my appearance, just about anything about myself. I’ve been so harsh to the body that gifted me the best blessing, and I have harmed my heart in so many more ways than one. I need to remember that I am still human at the end of the day and as they say Rome was not built in a day. I will get to where I need to be to feel confident about the way I look. The scale may show a number, but confidence is within, and confidence is truly what makes the person.

As a family we are moving forward in a positive direction. We will talk more, understand more, judge less. We want to grow together instead of growing apart.

I’m sure there is much more, and I promise there will be many blogs, and hopefully vlogs, in our future.

Enjoy our adventure as we finally apply, and hopefully (GOD HOPEFULLY), get into vet school. Enjoy our adventure as we grow as a family. And enjoy my adventure as I grow into the person I want my son to look up to.