It scares me to think that one day I won’t be able to walk without assistance.
It scares me to think that one day I won’t be able to be the mother I envisioned myself to be for my children.
It scares me to think I might one day have no control over my body.
But right now I’m just more angry than afraid.
I’m angry because my body has betrayed me.
I’m angry because my body isn’t working the way that it should.
I’m angry that I feel like a part of my life was taken away.
And I’m angry that I have to be fearful.
I look at my baby and I’m afraid that one day I will be someone he will have to take care of. I look at my fiancé and think the same thing. I don’t want to be something someone has to take care of. I want to be completely independent. I want to be self sufficient. I want to go back to normal.
But what is normal?
Do I even know the answer?
Maybe not. But I’d like to go back to a time where I wasn’t so afraid of my future. Where I didn’t feel like I was under a time crunch to experience everything and anything before my body begins to expire. Have a baby. Have more babies. Go to vet school. Finish vet school. Become an amazing vet. Set up life for your family. Buy your first home. Travel the world. Just be happy.
How can I just be happy when I’m so afraid?
At 20 years old I found out I was having a baby. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t angry. I felt blessed. Blessed because I was still young, still in very early stages, and still felt fine 98% of the time. I knew that somehow I had been given this baby because it was the right time for me to become a mother. It was the right time for me to experience something I’d been dreaming about since I myself was a child. I knew that I could be the mother he needed now, if god forbid it would be taken away from me later in life. For that I am a little less angry and afraid.
I am also less afraid to venture out and do what I want in life. I’m doing this no longer for myself, but for him. My body might have betrayed me. My body might be “sick”. But my body grew and delivered a baby that has taught me more about love in the last three months than I have learned in my 21 years on this earth. I will fight to the ends of this earth to be the mother this baby deserves, just as I will for any future children we may have.
I’m choosing not to live in fear.
I’m choosing not to live in anger.
I’m choosing to live in peace and hope for the future I know I deserve.
I’m choosing to live in the love my son basks me in every day.
I’m choosing to live.