I thought I loved you then..

I never realized the capacity of love till I became a mother. I loved many things before: my parents, my family, my animals, and most recently the father of my son. I never knew how much love I could give however until they placed a tiny peanut on my chest almost two months ago. I also didn’t know how much love could change until I witnessed Anthony with our son. 

Like many his age, he still had a bit of growing up to do when we received those two lines telling us our lives would forever be changed. He still needed some guidance in the right direction and the ocassional confidence boost to let him know he was moving towards what he was supposed to. I remember before becoming a parent getting frustrated because it sometimes felt like I had a child that still needed guidance I didn’t know how to give, but once Luca arrived everything changed. For one, my birthing experience would have not been such a positive memory for me had it not been for Anthony. My parenting experience would not be one filled with joy and love if it weren’t for Anthony. And most recently my nights would feel much longer, lonelier, and scarier had it not been for Anthony. 

Firstly, my birth experience. I chose to have an epidural, and from what I was told by my mother and Anthony I really did need one. I was told I could have been compared to a woman going through an excorcism with the way I was screaming. I hope I didn’t scare any Mothers that evening….Well. My epidural failed the first go around and after about an hour of asking god why he hated me, screaming at my mother because “her epidural didn’t fail why did mine?”, and finally yelling at a nurse who told me it should be working by now they gave me another. What I was not told about the epidural was that I was going to be having hard contractions while they administered and…get this..I had to stay completely still or else I would risk paralyzation. What a nice thing to say to a first time mom in labor. I sat over the bed in tears, and guess who kept me calm? That’s right, Anthony. He played a game with me..count to ten with, now count backwards with me, now again, hold my hand, squeeze it if you have to, now count again. I got through the epidural without moving even after having three contractions during the numbing shot alone. I felt calm, I felt safe, and I was seeing this person I’d so long seen as a boy finally filling the father shoes I feared he wouldn’t. I could never thank him enough for being who I needed him to be throughout my entire first birthing experience. He held my hand through it all, watched the horrific (or what I could only imagine was horrific) view of our son emerging, and still in the end could kiss me on the forehead and tell me how proud and happy he was. 

Fast foreword to now as I lay here with my finally sleeping infant and his sleeping father next to me. I can’t lie that there are times that I am angry or envious that he can sleep while I lay awake and worry. Or that he can sleep through the beginning parts of our son crying when I wake as soon as I hear a peep. If I said I wasn’t even the slightest bit jealous at times it’d be a lie. But here I am, watching the two of them breathe in sync, Luca having not slept much the last two days, and I feel tremendously greatful for the man I chose to be my sons father. He still has some growing to do, and he still makes me feel like I have another child at times, but I would have chosen no one else. I never knew love could change in the ways that it has since witnessing him become a father. I never knew i would end up loving him more witnessing him love another. 

He makes the fear of parenting just a little bit less, and for that I will always be thankful for. 

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